i have decided to become a vegetarian, in China of all places

i awoke on a Saturday morning at 6:45am so i could be at the house of the groom's grandmother by 8:30am.  just in time to see Tina, the bride, getting her hair and make-up done.  She looked like a princess, she even had a tiara. We sat around in the bedroom with the other "sisters" drinking green tea and waiting. i felt bad for Nellie because she hadn't eaten breakfast and it seemed like it would be awhile til the food, little did i know that this food experience would change me in profound ways...but i'm getting ahead of myself.

Suddenly, there was a commotion of fireworks, drums and cymbals outside we all went to the balcony to see a procession of the groom and about 15 friends and family members plus a four-person band heading towards the apartment.  i had no idea how all these people would fit in the tiny apartment; really i had no idea what was going on most of the time because, well, it was in Chinese.  They mounted the four flights of stairs to the front door and we promptly closed the door to the bedroom, placed a stool in front of the door and opened the little window above the door so Nellie could talk to Alpha, the groom.  She asked him several questions about his relationship and then asked for money, a ceremonial bribe to be let into the room to see his bride-to-be.  He offered cigarettes and all the sisters yelled "No!" then another sister got up on the stool and said if he didn't give us money he had better sing a song.  After this ritual humiliation, Alpha and the grooms party and wedding camera man were allowed in.  he gave Tina flowers and then had to hunt for her shoe and place it on her foot.  it was silly and romantic.

we headed out to the street to the sound of more fireworks and music.  i was shuffled into a car with Tina's parents and the makeup girl and we headed out to Alpha's childhood home in the countryside, about an hour outside Huzhou. i slept.  We arrived and a parade of still more fireworks and music lead us past the Nebraska of China, fields upon fields of corn, to the village.

 

Everyone came out of their houses to see the procession and once we arrived there was tons of confetti and really loud fireworks right in the middle of the crowd; there are few, if any regulations on the acquiring and/or exploding of fireworks in China... i'm very excited about this by the way.  The bride and groom made a mandatory stop at a shrine-like table with incense and candles, said a prayer, bowed a few times, everyone clapped and then it was time to eat lunch.

So lunch started out innocent enough, a bowl of candies, peanuts and sunflower seeds on every pink table-clothed table with beer and sprite for everyone. Then came a bowl of what looked like little white balls of dough. And that's what they were, in a sugary soup, very sweet and it kinda reminded me of doughy Kix. Then came trouble.  

I was feeling adventurous, no overwhelming urge to eat nothing with a face had hit me yet. they brought out steamed buns and egg role type things containing unidentifiable meats, i ate them. Then came the onslaught of whole animals: chicken with feet attached and contorted neck, it's little eyes looking at me; turtle, the shell softened into an apparently edible goo, underneath stewed bits of turtle meat, i was served a leg, it had toe nails; next came whole small crabs.  i thought i could eat that with a little instruction, i have had crab legs, after all. no, no and more no. 

One of Alpha's friends showed me how it's done.  First things first, you take the under shell off and suck the contents of the crab's ass out.  then you break off all of its legs, next you look it straight in its beady, crustacean eyes and creepy, creepy mouth and break open its top shell.  i am almost vomiting just writing this.  it was seriously like being forced to eat on of the aliens from Starship Troopers... i couldn't even open the top because i would've had to touch it's face, so Nellie did it and she is a vegetarian!  

once it was open i couldn't contain my disgust anymore, i probably embarrassed myself but i gave it to the guy who showed me how to open it and he was more than happy to receive it.  In fact, he said, "Oh, this one's pregnant! it'll be more delicious" and slurped out whatever was inside.  At that point i was eating sticky rice and edamame... finally the last straw came at dinner, same house, different types of meat, this time it was shrimp.  Because there were only three dishes of vegetables, one of them being pistachio nuts, Nellie was struggling, so she attempted to eat shrimp, but ended up just examining it and taking it apart. She officially grossed me out by tearing off the shrimp head and squeezing out its brains! i again, almost vomited.  The wedding was fun but the lasting impression the food made will outweigh everything else in my memory.

 

i wish my reasoning for attempting to stay away from all forms of meat was more noble, out of respect for all living things, but its not.  i've flirted with the idea on and off, but i always decided that i love cheeseburgers and bacon way too much.  After this experience, and the fact that all food in China is served at the very least with the maximum amount of bones in it, if not the whole animal on your plate, eyeballs, tongues, assholes, feet, everything, i can't stomach it anymore. Really seeing where the food comes from rather than prepackaged, neatly trimmed chicken breast and bacon strips, which in no way resemble the animal they come from, makes me not want to eat them; they gross me out.  + i can't get a good cheeseburger, or real bacon here anyway.